June 29th, 2022 | Durham, NC
We know who we are, and we define what we are by references to the people we love, and our reasons for loving them.
— Gregory David Roberts, Shantaram
“You know what’s crazy?”
Ryan looks up from his bowl of noodles. We’re sitting on our back porch, enjoying an unseasonably cool summer evening and some languid conversation over homemade Udon.
“What’s crazy?” he asks.
“I could be in the middle of the South Atlantic right now,” I say, shaking my head in disbelief. “Think of all the things we’ve done in the past month – none of it would have happened if I had gone on that expedition.”
Ryan twirls the thick noodles around his chopsticks and nods in agreement.
“Yeah, that was a good call.”
Back in March, I had to make a tough decision. I had been asked to join a research expedition in the South Atlantic – a long one. It would have meant leaving North Carolina at the beginning of June and not returning until the second week of August.
The expedition involved some cool geological research in a part of the world I’ve never been to, as well as the opportunity to work on a new ship with a large international team of scientists. But the low pay and extended duration of time away from home made me question whether it was worth it. After much internal deliberation (and many redundant conversations with Ryan and a few close friends) I politely turned down the offer.
Just a few weeks later, I received an exciting email: the Alvin SVE expedition that was cancelled last November was rescheduled! And the timing was fortuitous, with the mobilization set to start around the end of July.
When my last expedition aboard Nautilus ended, I had the choice to stay in Hawaii or to fly directly home to North Carolina. People who have known me for a while may be surprised to hear that I opted to come straight back to NC. With only eight weeks between expeditions this summer, I decided to spend most of that time at home.
The past month has been crammed full of local adventures and quality time with some of the most important people in my life. After recovering from my post-expedition exhaustion and jet lag, I scheduled back to back weekends away: A few days with the “mountain family” in South Toe. A long overdue backpacking trip with Beth. A quick trip to Washington DC to see some dear friends from high school. A few days spent in Wilmington with my brother and my parents. As soon as I got back to Durham, one of my oldest and dearest friends (I love you Sage!) came to visit. And then, almost a month after returning from Hawaii, I finally spent a weekend at home, which included dinner plans with friends on both Friday and Saturday, followed by a Durham Bulls baseball game with Ryan and his family on Sunday.
Taking in the beauty of Black Balsam Knob with badass mountain mama Beth Branciforte.
Enjoying dinner on the back porch with my soul sister, Sage.
At the baseball game, I chatted with Ryan’s mom, and gave her a quick overview of the past month. In response, she said “wow, you travel so much!” I laughed, thinking about how the past few weeks are just a drop in the bucket compared to the peripatetic lifestyle I once pursued.
It’s funny to consider what the pre-pandemic, pre-serious-relationship version of myself would have done this summer. She definitely would have stayed in Hawaii for a while. And she probably would have committed to the lengthy, underpaid expedition in the South Atlantic. And if she wasn’t doing any of that, she would have at least dedicated a few weeks to a long road trip and a couple alpine summit bids.
To be fair, I thought about trying to do some mountaineering this summer. I wanted to go back to Oregon and spend a couple weeks in the Cascades. I will always long for big mountain ranges, and there is still a small part of me that would love to spend the entire summer traveling.
But over the past year, I’ve developed a new appreciation for spending more time at home. During our backpacking trip, Beth and I talked about how wonderful it felt to be together in the wilderness and why it had been so long since we had last gone camping. As we hiked down the trail, I reflected on the past few years, and it didn’t take long for this realization to hit me: before COVID, I was gone all the time. For much of 2017, 2018, and 2019, I traveled constantly, often scheduling back-to-back trips. During that time, I was trying very hard to become a “professional adventurer”, and I thought that’s what professional adventurers must do: go on as many big, epic adventurers as possible.
So I did. For years, I felt the need to prove I was some sort of badass because I could live out of a suitcase for months at a time. I didn’t want to spend time in North Carolina because hanging around home wasn’t making me tougher or stronger.
Good news friends: I don’t have that mentality any more.
2017 Marley: trying to look tough after descending from the summit of Mt. Shasta.
2022 Marley: relaxing by the Toe River after hiking the Woody Ridge Trail.
Now that I’ve managed to turn “professional adventurer” into a viable career path, it’s time to focus on being with my people and being in the moment, instead of constantly thinking about traveling to some far-away place. For the past four years, I’ve often found it difficult to make the transition from the fast pace of expeditions to the much slower pace of life at home. But my mindset is evolving. Coming back to North Carolina these days feels less jarring and more natural. Ryan and I joke that when I’m not on the other side of the world, being a “Badass Adventurer” I’m happily hanging out at home, reading lots of books, cooking some delicious food, cleaning the kitchen — in other words, living my best house wife life.
I also try to be a good friend, and spending more time at home means I can show up for all my friends who are like family. From the little things – like dog-sitting for a weekend or picking up a friend’s kid from preschool – to the bigger things, like being able to offer love and support when one of my closest friends loses a parent.
I still want to go on expeditions and travel the world — and I will continue to enjoy those pursuits. But from now on, I will put an equal amount of time and effort into being at home with my people.
Alternating between two different ways of life is a fine balance. But as we say here in North Carolina, nothing could be finer.